You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
