omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
