Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sorry my hands just texted you
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
