would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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