my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
