got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
