TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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