Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
