I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
