My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
