we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
