Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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