why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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