Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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