I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
