1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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