Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
