Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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