I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
