I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
