Just fell off a train. Bad.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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