My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
