I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
