I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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