thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
