My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You ate ashes out of my bong
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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