Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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