If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
