he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
PANTIES FOUND
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
