CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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