I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
