I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
