I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
