I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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