you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
