i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize