im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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