even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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