My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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