i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize