I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
