Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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