I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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