My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
