I need to stop coming to work sober
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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