Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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