I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
