seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
