I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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