I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize