Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
