So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
