I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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