I am spending my child support on dildos
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
