I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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