Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
