You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My cat gives me a boner
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
