nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
