Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
