anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
