I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
