Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
