it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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