Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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