its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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