Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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